“Bachpan se hi na… mujhe shaadi karne ka bada craze hai, by God!”
These were my thoughts on marriage and finally, I was getting married to the man of my dreams.
Every bride has her heart beating through her ears, as she holds her hubby’s hand for the first time and walks with him into his life.
I was no different.
I had met my hubby a couple of times before marriage, being far off cousins we had always shared the same circles when it came to weddings and parties.
I was blown away by his talking eyes and magnetic smile. The fact that he got my jokes and I, his…. were the icing on the cake. The proposal was sent and I accepted in a blink of an eye.
In a month’s time I became Mrs Ahmed and even though we had chatted over the months on Watsapp, sharing a room with him, had created a gazillion butterflies in my stomach.
There I sat on the bed clad in my maroon lehenga, sparkling in Swarovski and sequence. Candles were lit all around the room giving a beautiful, golden, glow to the romantic atmosphere. The room was fragrant with the scent of flowers….it felt magical.
And as Chirag entered the room the butterflies in my stomach took flight. My veil covered face could see the hunger in his eyes as he walked towards me…. I held my breath. The bed dipped from his weight.
“Itni shiddat se maine tumhe paane ki koshish ki hai … ki har zarre ne mujhe tumse milane ki saazish ki hai.” He whispered.
A tiny giggle escaped my lips as I tried not to think how cheesy the line was…. but then the giggle turned into a full blown laughter.
“I thought you liked Sharukh?” My Hubby said, a little miffed.
“I do love him but tonight is about us…,” I could not finish that sentence as I found my lips sealed with his.
Brilliant way of shutting me up I thought…. if not I would be speaking a monologue on Sharukh on our wedding night!
Yes, I am that stupid!
As I was beginning to enjoy our first kiss, my hubby abruptly pulled away and then went…. aaaaccchhuuuu!!!
I waited patiently for him to use a tissue and then we tried again and this time as soon as he came a few inches near me, he sneezed again!
‘Shit! What the hell was happening??’ I wondered.
This was our wedding night, the night we had decided to make memorable. I had been hoping for my first kiss…. My first thirst between the sheets…..
Chirag was busy sneezing his tenth sneeze when I finally decided kissing was off the table.
We both looked at each other confused. I was a little scared as my imagination was throwing all sorts of ideas at me…the most plausible being….
Am I allergic to my husband? Why didn’t I try kissing him before the wedding, at least test drive hi hojati…
“Mera haal na Gupta uncle ke jaise hogaya hai. Gupta uncle ko na cancer hogaya tha. Unhone kabhi sharaab nahi pi, cigarette nahi pi, phir bhi cancer hogaya. Isse acha toh pi hi lete…..”
“Why are you sneezing?” I asked the obvious question.
“Never happened before,” he said in between sneezes.
“Do you think you’re allergic to me?” I blurted out, shutting the crazy voices in my head.
My husband gave me a million-dollar smile.
“Thumhe uthakar museum mai rakha chahiye…. ticket lagni chahiye thumhe dekhna ke liye!”
He chuckled. “There must be something in this room that’s causing me to sneeze,” he pointed out. “Definitely can’t be you,” he said in between sneezes.
The whole room had stuff that was new to us. Scented candles, a variety of flowers, stuff toys. Then I wondered which idiot put stuff toys in here!
And then there was me too, as an option.
So I did the obvious, I took the nearest candle blew it off and stuck it in my hubby’s nose. I, I mean near his nose….. and waited, nothing… no sneezing.
Next, I grabbed a rose and stuck that in his nose too… I mean… you know what I mean…. and then again nothing happened.
This continued for the next few minutes, as there were quite a lot of flowers to choose from. Of all the ways I thought of spending my wedding night, sticking things into my hubby’s nose, testing for allergies was not on the list.
There were so many better things to do… I ruefully looked at him and then moved into his arms and the sneezing increased. I pushed away and cursed like a sailor.
And stopped abruptly realising, it was my first night with him and what an impression I was making. I looked up at him and he was laughing, laughing at me, at the entire situation and then I too joined him.
“You know you should mind your language in front of my family. But with me, I love that dirty mouth of yours.” He said coming close and then pulled away sneezing.
God damn it!
I reached up, into my hairdo and pulled off a handful of Jasmine flowers which were put there meticulously by the parlor lady. I stuck them in his nose and voila the sneezing began in all its glory.
I was relieved that he was allergic to flowers and not me!
But then I looked at myself in the mirror eyeliner was flowing down, thanks to all the hysterical laughter and my hair was a birds nest from all the pulling.
I looked like Vidhya Balan from the movie Bhool Bhulaiya. I wondered what my hubby would do if I suddenly started dancing to the tune of, Ra Raaaa….
Probably run in the other direction every time he saw me? Not a good idea if I wanted to consummate the wedding.
But my relief was short-lived, now that the allergin was found, the bigger problem was Jasmine flowers were all over the room decor.
I cursed a little more.
“What do we do now?” I asked my hubby. We can’t change rooms… all rooms are occupied with guests…, ” I trailed off.
“It’s our wedding night honey… we do what we are supposed to do,
ek bar jo maine commitment kar di toh phir mai apne aap ki bhi nahi sunta.”
He said winking. I burst into laughter.
“You work on getting the flowers off your head. leave the rest to me….,” he advised looking at the flowers with a vengeance.
“Aall izz well,” he said tapping his heart and went to work.
As I worked on my gigantic hairdo cursing the parlour lady for putting so many pins in. My hubby became hulk, tearing down the entire decor and piling it in the far corner of the room.
Once we had finished cleaning up the room we picked up from where we had left off. But a loud knock on the door informed us it was six in the morning. Time for more rituals.
I cursed at that too. Making my hubby remind me, not to cuss in public. As the door to our room opened my hubby’s friends could not stop teasing him, looking at the mess we had made.
“Yaar puure room ko use kiya hai…,” one said.
“Matlab raat zabaradast beeti hai….,” another sighed.
“Aaj Khush toh bahut hoge tum?”
A third mimicked in Amitabh’s voice.
If only they knew.
I thought and later wished we had told the morons the truth about the messy room.
Once the reception was over, we rushed back to our room. The whole day was spent in pent up lust. And as we opened the door to our bedroom suite…. we were horrified to see the bed decorated in flowers.
“Since you guys enjoyed the room so much last night we thought we will give you a surprise,” his friends beamed from behind him.
“Kutte Kameene… mai tera khoon pee jaunga…,” I heard my hubby yell. I felt so proud, I was already rubbing off on him.
But looking at the room, I stole a glance at my hubby chasing after his friends. All I could think of was, “
Mera toh itna life kharab hogaya…. itna life kharab hogaya mera….”
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